Reward the Child Barb! A brand new season of Teen Mother 2 has began!
(And, sure, they’re nonetheless calling this present ‘Teen Mother,’ even though we’ve been ogling these degenerates for almost a decade and the women at the moment are truly pushing 30. The Ashley retains emailing MTV recommendations as to what to rename the present, however the community doesn’t appear to love The Ashley’s strategies. It’s a disgrace, actually, as The Ashley thinks “Because the Dumpster Turns” has a pleasant ring to it!)
Anyway, let’s get this s**tshow on the street, we could?
First, we head over to South Dakota, the place a really pregnant Chelsea is happy as a result of she and Cole simply bought a brand new home on an enormous piece of land. (It lacks the swamp water operating by way of it and the frequent shrills of Jenelle to be “The Land,” nevertheless.)
“Who would’ve guessed that Adam’s incapability to work a condom would sometime get me all this!?”
We get to see Chelsea and Cole’s new MTV McMansion, which is an excellent improve to Chelsea’s unique log cabin. To christen the brand new place, Cole proceeds to “Increase the Roof” (as the youngsters say…) and Chelsea begins clawing off the inspirational sayings from the partitions, one in every of which says “Be true to who you’re and the household identify that you simply bear.” (Significantly, is Farrah taking time from promoting her backdoor to write down “Farrah Converse” wall stickers?)
Producer Mandi can also be there, and Chelsea exhibits her across the new place. They go outdoors to marvel on the quietness of their land (once more, to not be confused with The Land, the place the screams of rakin’ males and youngsters cryin’ for meals could be heard on the common.)
Quickly, Chelsea & Co. are all moved into the MTV McMansion. She’s telling Producer Mandi that Adam has truly managed to roll out of no matter pile of laundry he’s been napping underneath for the final yr or so, and referred to as up the kid visitation middle to arrange a date to see Aubree.
“He’s like a strolling ‘That is Your Mind on Medicine’ business…”
The visitation middle referred to as Chelsea to see if she can be thinking about snagging a weekly spot that’s simply opened up on their schedule. (Another person’s deadbeat dad should have gotten despatched again to jail or one thing.)
She agrees to take it, in order that Aubree can see Daddy Dearest whereas he nonetheless has no less than some of his tooth.
Although Adam hasn’t hung out with Aubree for months, Chelsea says Aubree nonetheless needs to see her dad. Producer Mandi seems to be sad about Adam coming again into the image. In any case, if Adam comes again, Producer Mandi should go right down to no matter freeway overpass Adam resides underneath and attempt to get him to movie.
“If I’ve to go down there and movie with Adam once more, I higher get that rabies shot. Security first!”
Chelsea’s not thrilled about trekking throughout city with Aubree, Watson and her ginormous pregnant stomach, in order that Aubree can see Adam however she’s prepared to do it.
Subsequent, we head on out to the holler to examine in on Leah. She and the girlseseses have been having a granny slappin’ good time this summer time, partly as a result of Leah getting herself herself a brand new man! He’s tall like Jeremy and unsleeved like Corey, however he’s additionally considered one of them fancy males, having gone to the school and discovered himself up actual good!
Leah and her new man, Jason, regale us with the story of their first kiss, which apparently occurred in entrance of the girlseses and Aleeah was not having it!
“She informed me ‘Don’t take my mommy’s kisses!’” Jason remembered.
Jason declares that Aleeah’s protests simply made him need to slobber throughout Leah much more!
“He makes my woman elements tingle, y’all! Take that, Jeremy Lynn!”
The subsequent day, Leah heads over to some rando’s home to brag about how she’s gettin’ it from a brand new dude. She’s gotten all gussied up for the event, throwing on a pair of Aleeah’s denim shorts and a crop prime appropriate for road walkin’ and/or man gettin’.
The rando— whose identify is Meg — begins to inform Leah all about her ding-dang job and whatnot, however Leah can barely lookup from her telephone and grunt a response. Lastly Meg shuts her lure lengthy sufficient for Leah can brag about her man.
You’ll be able to inform that Leah and Meg are actually shut, contemplating Meg has no clue that Leah’s been enjoying “cover the salami” with a brand new gentleman good friend for months.
Leah explains that she and Jason met “by means of a mutual pal,” and that he has…watch for it… A STEADY JOB!
“Our mutual good friend’s identify is Tinder…”
Leah tells a jealous Meg that her new man works in “sells” and that he’s 39 years previous. She makes use of her “maths” to find out that Jason is a bit of over 10 years older than she is.
“That’s not dangerous although,” Meg says. (Truthfully, after Leah stated ‘regular job,’ I feel Meg would have been in awe even when Leah informed her Jason was a leper! He’s obtained a doggone JOB y’all!)
Leah explains that the menfolk in her age group don’t perceive the idea of a woman in her mid-twenties having two ex-husbands and three youngsters…and a TV crew following her round. (In fact, this is the holler, the place the infant daddies get racked up proper fast…and there’s all the time the occasional look on Cops so…)
Jason understands Leah’s state of affairs, provided that he has his personal youngin and a pair of ex-wives!
“Wow, he gots an actual job and solely two ex-wives? You don’t see them type ’spherical these elements fairly often!”
Leah tells Meg that she’s not in a rush (for as soon as) and that she’s having fun with attending to know him. (This implies Meg gained’t have to start out getting ready for the joint bridal/child bathe for no less than a couple of extra months!)
Issues is nicely, y’all!
Subsequent, it’s time to go right down to Florida to see what Briana and the gang are as much as. We discover out that Devoin has been dwelling with Briana and her household for a couple of months. She’s mad although as a result of, regardless that he’s actually been squatting on the sofa outdoors Nova’s room, he’s nonetheless managing to not see his child.
Briana appears stunned that giving Devoin free room and board hasn’t turned him into Father of the Yr. She tells her mother and sister (the forever-side-eying Brittany) that she needs in addition Devoin out of the condominium. (Brittany seems to be relieved, as she in all probability needed to sleep standing up the previous few months to make room for Devoin to reside there.)
“It’s like Devoin was simply utilizing me in order that he didn’t need to sleep on a cardboard field on the road…or one thing…”
Britt and Bri declare that, again when Devoin had no telephone he spent extra time with Nova. (Um…yeah, as a result of his broke ass couldn’t name up any of the native road youths to return decide him up!)
Now that Devoin has gotten his mitts on the best Tracphone the 7-11 gives, he’s off rousin’ and carousin’ once more. Rattling that know-how! Rattling all of it to hell!
“He had freedom! He had a hyperlink to the surface world and a strategy to escape,” Brittany says.
Um….nope, nothing creepy about that assertion…
“If he doesn’t come residence and decide up his footwear tonight, my mother will in all probability begin throwing them at him. Simply sayin’…”
Later, Bri texts Devoin to tell him of his eviction, however he’s not frightened since he now has his personal place.
Subsequent, we head to Delaware to verify in with Kail. She provides us the information that Javi‘s now shacking up together with his girlfriend Lauren and….she’s pregnant. (In fact she is– that is ‘Teen Mother’ in any case.)
Kail tells us that issues with Child Daddy No. three, the still-refusing-to-film Chris, are higher than ever. They’re getting alongside now, and Chris is seeing the child repeatedly and making his youngster help funds. Producer Patrick might care much less whether or not or not Chris is giving Kail child cash. He needs to know if Chris is giving Kail the Scorching Beef Injection on the common!
“So like…you haven’t any restraining orders towards any of the child daddies? Wow, I didn’t even know that would occur!”
Producer Patrick is making an attempt to squeeze the fornication gossip out of Kail, however all she’s saying is that she and Chris are “engaged on” their relationship. (i.e. they’re boning however he gained’t let her name him her boyfriend.)
Kail says that she has no emotions towards Javi, and that she actually couldn’t care much less that he knocked up another broad. She tells Producer Patrick that she hasn’t had any contact with Lauren, although, because of the truth that Lauren text-dissed her through the interval that Javi was concurrently making an attempt to boink Lauren, Kail and Briana. Kail says she has no want to buddy as much as Lauren.
“No joke, this entire state of affairs sounds messier than Leah’s home…”
Lastly, we HIGH! HIGH! tail it to North Carolina to go see what Jenelle has gotten herself into these days.
We discover out that Jenelle is mad that Child Daddy No. 2, Nathan, was upset when he allegedly discovered bruises on their child Kaiser. (That is, in fact, what brought about the large custody saga that occurred between Jenelle and David, and Nathan and his mother final summer time. You possibly can learn all about that right here!)
Kaiser has been reclaimed by Jenelle, however Jenelle has mediation with Nathan scheduled for the approaching week. Earlier than she will go “mediate” with Nathan, although, Jenelle asks her mother Barb to walk out to a random park to take heed to her speak crap on Nathan and sing the praises of her husband Lurch.
They traipse out to a random bench in a random park (as a result of no one goes to set foot on The Land to movie).
“Properly Juh-nelle I see ya obtained me to return to some abandoned park wif ya! I hope David isn’t hidin’ within the bushes waitin’ to fill me with uppercuts!”
Barb says she’s completely satisfied that her and Jenelle are getting alongside now, which Jenelle attributes to Barb not “being imply to David.” Barb says they began to fix their relationship across the time that Nathan and Doris stored “Kaisa” from Jenelle.
Jenelle says that Nathan stored Kaiser from her “for no cause,” and that Lurch already defined to Nathan that the bruises discovered on the boy have been from a slip-n-slide, and never from him.
Jenelle wails that Nathan is making an attempt to destroy her swamp water fairy story life!
“Nathan is making an attempt to do every part in his energy to sabotage my husband!” Jenelle cries.
“David is a miracle employee! He’s a saint! I’m presently developing a statue of him on The Land made from discarded bullets!”
She then explains that Lurch acts like a gun-totin’ raging lunatic as a result of everyone seems to be imply to him!
“And everybody wonders why my husband acts the best way he does and freaks out the best way he does! It simply pisses me off the best way everybody thinks about David.
“He doesn’t do something fallacious and does the whole lot in his energy to make our household comfortable,” Jenelle says as she cries. “For everybody on the market who needs to hate on David, David just isn’t a nasty man!”
Barb seems like she’s making an attempt to determine if that is all a lure. She scans the woods, probably to see if Lurch is standing on the market holding up cue playing cards for Jenelle to learn throughout this scene.
“OK, come on out, Ashton Kutcher! I do know I’m bein’ punked! Ashton?”
To her credit score, although, she did maintain a straight face when Jenelle stated David “doesn’t do something flawed,” so I’ll give Babs that…
In the meantime, in South Dakota, it’s the day of Aubree’s go to with Adam. Chelsea is nervous whereas driving to the visitation middle, since she is aware of there’s an enormous risk that Adam shall be MIA (that stands for “Mething in Motion” clearly) and never present up for the go to.
Chelsea tells Aubree that if Adam is late, the go to will get cancelled and the visitation middle will name them and allow them to know. Positive sufficient, on cue, the telephone rings and Chelsea is informed that they’re sans deadbeat dad. Adam has not arrived, which suggests the go to isn’t going to occur. Adam should pay a charge for losing everybody’s time earlier than he can arrange one other go to.
“Even I might see that this was going to finish badly…”
Aubree is straight PISSED. The little woman has some hearth in her, provided that this is just one of many occasions that Pricey Ol’ Dad has left her hanging. Chelsea manages to maintain her cool, although, and tries to ensure Aubree is OK.
They head off to get ice cream and speak about what occurred. Aubree says she’s unhappy however not stunned that her loaf of a father couldn’t pull himself collectively for in the future.
“He by no means does something,” Aubree says.
Nicely…at the least something authorized…
In West Virginia, Leah’s new gentleman caller Jason is over for lunch. He and Leah and the girlseses sit ’around the desk to feast on some hamburgers. Whereas stuffing her face with Grade C meat product, Leah talks about how her women have been on digital camera because the very second they shot out of her gentleman greeter. The women quickly lose curiosity listening to Leah and Jason speak about their relationship and the way they every have “two felled marriages.”
“Jason stated that hamburgers have been higher than canned ravioli, and he ain’t fibbin’! Eat yer meat product, women! We is feastin’ as we speak!”
In the meantime, in Florida, Devoin and his pal Dre (critically…is everybody related to Briana named Dre?) go to get an MTV-payed-for lunch and talk about Devoin’s job. He truly has an actual job, serving over on the TGI Friday’s, which is shocking. Devoin says that life as an employed, functioning member of society is exhausting.
In the meantime, the DeJesus house is crawlin’ with individuals. Briana’s trusty pal “Shirley” (who, even after a number of seasons, The Ashley believes is utilizing a pretend identify as a result of… nobody beneath 80 is known as Shirley, proper?!) is there together with her son. Briana tells Nova that Devoin is coming by, however solely to select up the trashbags filled with his crap. She tells Nova that she will go to Devoin at his new place every time she needs.
“Briana, cease letting dudes knock you up! This house is bursting on the seams already, even with out your raggedy child daddy sleeping on our sofa!”
As soon as Nova goes off to play, Shirley asks Bri if she’s being “for actual” about letting Nova go to Devoin, and Bri admits she’s unsure about it. Simply then, there’s a knock on the door, so Bri climbs over the heaps of clothes, toys and junk strewn across the condominium and lets Devoin in.
Devoin collects his crap, thanks them for his or her hospitality, kisses Nova and makes his method off into the sundown to start out his life as a non-squatter.
“I’m wondering what will probably be wish to be dwelling with out having Brittany side-eyeing me all of the rattling time?”
Over in Delaware, Lauren and Javi are sorting the free loot they lately acquired at their child bathe. Lauren tells Javi there are 97 days left earlier than his spawn comes barreling out of her vaginal slip ‘n’ slide. She’s terrified.
Javi tells us that there’s been quite a bit occurring recently, what with the shacking up, knocking up and whatnot. He was apprehensive how his son Lincoln would deal with all of it, however Lincoln is happy. Lauren is just not excited, nevertheless, about Kail staying away from her. She tells us that she has but to satisfy Kail, and that she finds it bizarre that Kail hasn’t launched herself in any respect.
They determine that the Assembly of the Marroquin Child Mamas ought to occur at Lincoln’s subsequent soccer recreation. (At the very least this manner, if Kail and Lauren find yourself “wraaaastlin’” on the soccer subject, Lincoln might be distracted.)
“And, please Lord, if my child mamas start preventing, please let me be capable of seize it on Instagram Reside…”
Kail tells us that she’s planning to maintain her distance from Lauren on the soccer recreation, as a result of she doesn’t need to meet Lauren but. The hustle on right down to the soccer area, and Kail units her litter distant from the place Javi and Lauren are, however quickly Lauren and Javi are enjoying soccer with Isaac.
Kail seems like she wants one thing to chew on.
“Everyone knows that if I’m going over to Lauren, we’re gonna find yourself on the information…”
Quickly, Kail and Lauren are standing on the aspect of the sector, battling one another in a bizarre “coach off.” They’re each yelling instructions to Lincoln, who’s standing on the soccer area wanting like he needs the entire thing to be over so he can go get his end-of-the-game snack. He’d a lot relatively be fortunately munching on a Handi-Snacks and a Capri Solar than be operating round a soccer subject making an attempt to take heed to what the indignant women on the aspect of the sector are screaming at him.
Kudos to MTV for incorporating the bizarre horror movie-esque music into this scene to provide it that little one thing particular!
Unexpectedly Lux runs over to Javi, which forces Kail to work together with Javi. Lauren tries to speak to Kail, however she’s having none of it.
There can be no Assembly of the Child Mamas at this time, guys.
Lastly we head again to the Carolinas, the place Barb is speaking to Producer Annalise. Barbara (who’s sporting some sun shades she more than likely bought from Ray Charles’ storage sale) says that her and Jenelle made amends throughout the entire Nathan/Doris/Kaiser custody saga.
“I assume she wanted her motha!” Babs says.
In the meantime, in Carolina, Nathan is hanging out with some rando who’s prepared to take heed to him vent about Jenelle with out making enjoyable of his gelled mohawk hair factor.
“No decide is gonna take you significantly with that hairdo, bro.”
Nathan tells his good friend about how he discovered switchmarks on Kaiser’s butt, and the way Kaiser stated that he acquired the marks as a result of Lurch hit him with a stick. He says that’s why he refused to offer Kaiser again, however ultimately the police got here to his mother’s home and made them give Kaiser again to Jenelle.
Nathan says he’s employed a lawyer as a result of he doesn’t need Lurch anyplace round Kaiser.
Later that week, Jenelle and Nathan head to mediation to attempt to speak out the Kaiser conundrum. MTV had its cameras there and was all able to movie, however Jenelle confirmed up with Lurch in tow, in order that they needed to shut down manufacturing.
Once they come out of mediation, Nathan says it was a complete waste of time and nothing was resolved, in order that they’ll be going to courtroom.
Jenelle provides Barb her personal rundown of the occasions whereas they stuff their faces with frozen yogurt. Jenelle says that she denied Nate’s requests to make Lurch be supervised whereas he’s with Kaiser, and than Nathan received mad and hulked out.
“Nobody’s listening to me!” Jenelle says Nathan advised the mediator. “Her husband is harmful! I would like my son protected!”
The nerve of that Nathan…taking care of his child!
“I’m listenin’ Juh-nelle…I swear…maintain bitchin’ about Nathan…”
Jenelle claims that, whereas Nathan was yelling, she sat there calmly, the very epitome of levelheadedness (as we all know is all the time the case for Jenelle).
Barb means that Nathan could also be on steroids once more (or, as she as soon as referred to as it “the tie-stosterone!”)
Jenelle denies that Nathan is on the juice. She does, nevertheless, state that Nathan is clearly nonetheless secretly in love together with her (clearly) and that he’s making an attempt to “maintain on” to her any approach he can.
“CLEARLY Nathan needs my physique.”
Properly, clearly! I imply, who wouldn’t need to date Jenelle?! COME ON!
That’s it for this episode!
To learn The Ashley’s different recaps, click on right here!
Adam Lind, Barbara Evans, Briana DeJesus, Brittany DeJesus, Chelsea Houska, Cole DeBoer, Devoin Austin, Jason Jordan, Javi Marroquin, Jenelle Evans, Kail Lowry, Lauren Comeau, Leah Messer, Nathan Griffith, Recaps, Teen Mother 2, Teen Mother 2 Recaps, Teen Mother 2 Season 9